


A Place That Heels

by excessnight



Series: Three Little Birds [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Bullying, Crossdresser!Spock, Depression, Grief, M/M, McSpirk - Freeform, Mental Abuse, Mind Rape, Nerd!Jim, Punk!Bones, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempts, Verbal Abuse, mckirk - Freeform, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2227047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excessnight/pseuds/excessnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock was born of a human and a Vulcan. That was how he always lived his life, knowing he was half and was trying to be full. But when he came to Earth he realized he didn't have to try so hard to be either, that Leonard McCoy and Jim Kirk accepted him for all he was: a beautiful creature.</p><p>Rated Mature for several serious mentions. Please read with caution as mental illness and abuse are mentioned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Place That Heels

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last part of the Three Little Birds triology. It follows Blooming Flowers and Of Coke Bottles & Dust, but honestly you can read any at any point and it all makes sense. This is told from Spock's point of view and the things he goes through throughout his friendship with Bones and Jim. Please, I have stated this before.
> 
> Tread with extreme caution.

** A Place That Heels **

* * *

 

 _"_ _You are not a full Vulcan and therefore you are not one of us."_

 _"You_ feel  _too much, Spock. It is unbecoming of our race."_

_"You will never find a place to fit in in this world. For you are not of one world, but two. You have no home."_

 

From the moment he was born he knew he was not normal. Of course he was intelligent beyond all reason, but he was not  _normal._ He was just a hybrid, a mistake that wasn't supposed to happen. That's all he ever was and he had allowed for those around him his entire life to tell him that. He had allowed them to push him. Prod him. He had allowed for them to tell him he was nothing at all, in their very Vulcan way. And because of that, Spock believed he was never supposed to live at all.

 

Spock's mother, Amanda, had been the most beautiful and wonderful creature he had ever met. That he had ever  _known._ And he didn't know what life without her would be like. She held him together. Pieced him back into the unique puzzle he was supposed to be. She was his light and his star, his guide home through the dark. And his father. His father was what he aimed to be. From early on he was told he had a choice, human or Vulcan it could be one way or no way. And he chose Vulcan. He wanted to be respectable like his father. He wanted someone like his mother to fall in love with him and care so deeply for him. He wanted that peace and he knew, that if he was a human on Vulcan, he'd never get it.

But he had been wrong.

When Spock was old enough to start school, he began to experience the true meaning of being a half-Vulcan. He was  _punished_ for what he was. Pushed, taunted, ridciuled. He was unwanted and no matter how hard he tried to push it away, tried to forget it all. No matter what, Spock was just a half-human that wasn't meant to be born.

 

_"Spock, why are you crying?"_

_"My dear, you are special in every way. Do not ever forget that."_

_"I am here for you. If you're sad, come to me. We can keep it a secret."_

 

When he was 12 it started off as mere tests. See who could push little Spock the farthest. And when it reduced him to pushing back and disappointing his father, well, he only braced himself for more. When no one was around, he'd be reduced to physical bullying.

"A whore, that's what you're mother is," one of the Vulcan boys said in a tone that would, by human standards, been condescending.

"My mother is no whore."

"Then what is she? No bondmate, that is for sure. Your father would be stupid to take a human woman, someone so emotional, for a bondmate." And from there they would push him. And eventually it escalated into something far worse. From physical they continued with verbal and from verbal they moved onto mental. But it wasn't the type of mental abuse humans were used to. They would hold him down, all four of them, until they could force a meld and see how he felt, how he thought.

"He's going to cry!" one of them said triumphantly. They took joy in their little game. Their game of holding down Spock who was weaker and abusing him in this way, like he was a science subject for them. And Spock hated it. Hated the feeling of not belonging and the emotions that he pushed down so hard that just kept coming back up. And when they finally let him up, he ran. He ran home and didn't care how much it hurt to lift his feet up and hit the hard ground. He didn't care that they had stolen and taken something from him. He needed to get home.

"Spock?" his mother had been surprised when her distant little boy ran into her arms and just held her. And Amanda knew. She knew the very thing she never wanted her son to be subjected to was happening. He was being bullied. "Come with me," she whispered into his ear and grabbed his hand, gently pulling him with her towards her room. He hardly ever went into his parents room but he was surprised when his mother took him to her closest. And showed him the beauty of human female clothing.

"Mother, what is this?" It was a stupid question, he knew it the moment he had asked it, but little Spock was drying his eyes and trying to ignore the feeling of being so violated by someone else. He didn't want to feel that way.

"These are all the clothing I convinced your father to let me keep when I left Earth. Some of it is old fashion, some new. But I don't wear any of it anymore," she said with that kind smile. His mother was always so kind, so supportive, so  _proud._ "They are yours. If you want to keep them or if you don't, that's up to you. But, I want you to have them. See, on Vulcan, they don't sell human clothing, let alone human female clothing. This is special. Just like you are. Whenever your father isn't home, you can come in here and do with what you please. Let this, this whole closest, let it be your escape."

 

Those words would help him through the roughest times. They would always remind him of how important he was. It wasn't until he was 14 when he took her up on that offer though. That offer to hide. To be special. To be something that no one could touch because he was one of a kind.

His mother was going to Earth, on business she had said. And she wanted Spock to join her.

"Your father thinks it's business, which in part it is, but honestly I want to show you something." And so in that moment Spock packed a suitcase full of all the beautiful pieces of clothing he had come to adore but never dared to touch.

"Don't forget these," his mother said as she handed him a pair of shoes. "They are called heels. You might like them," she said with a smile and Spock quickly stuffed them into his case. His face was emotionless the entire time but inside was a war. It was always a war. At school he was always taunted, picked on, mentally abused on a daily basis. And he had to deal with it. Over time he had learned to block his thoughts, but their prodding in his mind hurt worse then the names they would call his mother behind his back.

 

But when he saw Earth he knew he was special. The other half of him felt right and he merely smiled. He was home. This was right and he was more at peace then ever. Their 'business' was shopping. Doing stupid human stuff. And Spock, oh Spock, he was able to be special like his mother had said. He put on the clothes and he put on the heels and with Amanda's help a little make-up and a wig was set in place too. And suddenly, it all fell into place. The puzzle piece that wasn't supposed to fit in with the big picture was beautiful. It was different and that was okay. Who cared if it was a little bit broken and had round edges that didn't fit in anywhere else? Amanda knew that. And Spock was free.

And yet as Spock got older he followed the Vulcan way. Eventually the bullying stopped, the children from his youth getting tired of the mind games. He was 17 when they finally gave up on him completely. They didn't find him worth their time. He was just an outcast and no matter how hard he tried to prove he was just as much Vulcan as they, they didn't accept him. And Spock cried. No, he hadn't cried in years. Hadn't let a tear shed. But he cried at the fact that he had spent many years trying to figure out where he belonged only to go from accepting that he was special to wanting anything but to fit in. But there was one thing he did know and that was he loved woman's clothing. And his mother had shown him that.

As he aged and grew into a man he knew full well his mother did not want him to become, he kept that little bit of information for him. Never telling her that because of her he had found a way to escape, become someone other than Spock for a change and be merely himself, not a half-breed who was constantly look down upon. He was happy to escape the abuse, the daily reminder that he was indeed not 'perfect' and never would be, no matter how much he strived to be. He was becoming respectable just like his father. But he knew his mother disapproved.

 

It wasn't until Spock was 19 that he felt his calling to Earth. He knew it wasn't normal. It wasn't right. Vulcans wanted to stay on Vulcan and follow the Vulcan way. But he was more than just a Vulcan. He was a human. He belonged to Earth too. He belonged to the people and the emotions and the food. He belonged there with them. And by the time he was 22 he was telling the Vulcan Council to go fuck themselves. His mother wasn't a 'disadvantage' to him. And he hated that he had allowed and dealt with all those words for years. His mother was nothing more than a symbol of hope, of love, of peace. Everything a Vulcan mother did not show.

When he left Vulcan he took his mother's cultivated clothing, her lipsticks and wigs, and those special pair of heels that he had worn as a child. He kissed his mother goodbye, saluted his father, and prayed he could live in peace. Peace was the key word.

 

Naturally he enrolled in Starfleet. And fell in love. They offered him more than what he could have ever asked for. They offered him peace. They offered him safety. The offered him acceptance. Something he didn't have on Vulcan. Something he would never have on Vulcan. And he was thrilled, oh so thrilled. He would be able to live his life and carry out his fantasies without worry. No judging from his peers, no sneers if he showed a twinged of emotion. None of that. And that was wonderful. He felt so comfortable wearing his dresses out in public and talking to his mother who would catch him on his way out for some shopping. He was so  _human_ when he put on the clothes. He was so relaxed, so happy.

It wasn't until he was 25 that he met the man who would really make him feel elated with joy. Oh,  _Jim_. He had met him at a bar and Jim had taken an interest in him. They talked and talked and then his friend with him, Bones he called him, told Jim he was their teacher. And he was so fearful. So so very fearful. Jim would hate him, would want nothing to do with him, abuse him and shun him like before and he was so afraid. But when Jim looked at him all he saw was stars. He saw happiness, acceptance, love. He felt it all and he knew it, knew that right then in there, he found peace.

At first he didn't want a relationship. Vulcans weren't supposed to have such human relationships. No, they were supposed to have bondmates and that was it. Nothing else, all very logical of course. But then he realized he needed it. He needed Jim. And when Jim introduced him properly, formally, to Bones, he needed Bones just as much. It was the three of them or no one. That's how he saw things and that was it.

 

But all happy things always ended for Spock. Always. He was 26 when he started to have nightmares. The constant bullying that he had always suppressed. It came out. In waves and in angry outbursts. He would sob and cry and thrash. And Jim was there. Special, broken, perfect Jim. Who went against everything that screamed Vulcan and hugged Spock, held him close and just enveloped him in love. Loved him wholly and without question. And Jim was so wonderful. He helped heal Bones and then he went back to healing Spock and Spock felt so loved. But at the same time he hated the fact that he couldn't give back to Jim as much as he gave to him.

And so when Jim would relapse, go to that dark place he hardly ever talked to anyone about, Spock was there. He held him and kissed him and sung to him. He told him he was important and the perfect bondmate. And he loved Jim. And he also loved Bones. Bones who was just a horrible wreck and found it in him to push forward. He loved singing to Bones. Loved holding him and petting his hair and telling him just how beautiful he was. He loved them and they were his family and they made him feel complete.

 

And then suddenly his mother was dead. He honestly couldn't remember the time between the happy times with Jim till the destruction of Vulcan. At first he was thrilled. His bullies were dead. He would never have to deal with them again. And then it hit him. His mother.

"Mother!" But he was too late as he reached out to her. She was falling. She was scared. And she was gone when they beamed back aboard the ship. Amanda. Amanda was gone. His mother was gone and he felt a piece of him crumbling so quickly inside of him. And then he was hurting Jim, oh he was really very much hurting Jim. And he hated himself. He was horrible and horribly messed up. He went on autopilot and Bones forgave him for hurting Jim and Jim forgave him and he still didn't feel anything. He felt empty and numb and for a time after all he could do was sob and he would get so sick. He couldn't handle it and he saw how it affected Jim. How it affected Bones. He stopped crossdressing for a while. Stopped putting on the heels. They reminded him too much of his mother and the pain hurt more than the joy they gave him.

 

And then he was in space again. And shit was happening. And Bones was in trouble. And Jim was in trouble. Jim was getting hurt, all the time. Why was Jim always getting hurt? Why couldn't he ever stop him? He felt weak and then he felt lost. Jim was dead. He was gone. The bond they shared was cut. And he watched as Bones was hit with a brick at the thought of it. And he was just... He needed to kill the man who had done that to Jim. Who had taken Jim away from them. Who had destroyed them. And he hit him. He hit him again and again and again and no, no, _no_! Jim was _not_ gone! And Jim wasn't. Bones wanted the man alive. He could save Jim. Bring Jim back. They could have Jim again and Spock. Spock was happy. He missed Jim and he missed the feeling of home Jim gave him.

When Jim came back and when he had nightmares and screamed out because of the phantom pain of radiation, Spock held him. Kissed him. Smoothed his hair and loved him. When Bones had a bad day, he held him, too. Whispered lullabies only for him to hear. And when he had a bad day he had both boys around him. Spock was special. He was home. Bones would hug him and love him and listen. And Jim, Jim would make him feel that love. Make sweet love to him and hold him in the middle of the night. And Spock was just so content. He hurt a lot, but most days he could go on. But he remembered a lot of things. That the woman he loved the most, his mother, he did everything she didn't want him to do. That he allowed his peers to abuse him without fighting back. That he hated them so much yet he did everything he could to be Vulcan, just like them. That he waited until he was an adult to be finally happy. To accept who he was, after years of throwing it away, and even still as an adult he threw it away more often then not.

 

But he knew one thing: he had his boys. He had them close and they would never leave him, despite pain and anger. They were going to stay with him no matter what. They accepted him for everything he was. He was Spock, half-human, half-Vulcan. He was Spock the beautiful, the one that wore the best damn dresses on the entire  _Enterprise._ Eventually, he was okay enough to be himself again. To accept that he had made some bad decisions. That things weren't going to change the past. And then he was going back to being Spock. And he was going on dinner dates with his boys, or as much as a real dinner date as they could get on the ship. And he'd walk down the hall wearing his dress and his heels, with each man on his arms. And whenever anyone past by they saw two things. One was three very broken men who had fallen in love and pieced themselves together somehow. And the second was the image of those three men walking away and hearing the calming sound of heels clicking as they left.


End file.
